Hey everyone!
This post is going to be a little different from the normal Momo vibe. It's something that I haven't informed you yet, and it's something that I've been struggling with for the past eight months...
(Photo credit by Pascal Campion)
It is amazing how God works. It is absolutely wonderful how He moves into each of our lives and works in ways we cannot comprehend. And it makes life so much more beautiful when we finally see why God did what He did in our lives and to look back at all the steps we took to reach where we were at now.
If you were to know me in person, you would probably notice that I'm someone who gets worried easily and someone who doesn't handle stress that well. I remember an instance in second grade where I thought I had forgotten to do homework and cried incessantly because I was so terrified. In seventh grade, I also remember a time when I had burst into tears because I had forgotten to do an assignment. I have always been the person to worry, and through certain circumstances, I have gotten better with this, but I think God wasn't finished with that part of me.
So, let's skip forward to my current situation. I vividly remember I was in class and all of a sudden, I could hear my heartbeat echoing rapidly in my ears and a blackness coming around me. I panicked, worried, and did everything to hold onto consciousness. I had thought it was a dehydration problem, so I drank water every few seconds, but it wasn't. I got worried. In the next few months, the dizziness had gotten worse. I had to skip two weeks of school (which is another one of Momo's extreme stresses) and it was frustrating. I went to school everyday just to go home after the first period.
It was then that my mom and dad decided to take me to the doctor because the problem hadn't gone away. I soon realized that the reason why I was feeling like I was going to pass out every time I was in a classroom, was because of the lighting. And because the hospital had those bright, fluorescent lights, I panicked. I became so dizzy that I was crying in the examination room, terrified that I would blank out any moment. So, the doctors did tests on me,and said that I needed to have an MRI and told me to take blood pressure pills.
At this point, despite the fact that I had to distract myself with anything during class, (drinking water, shaking leg, taking unnecessary bathroom breaks, etc.) and that it was very difficult to concentrate in class, I knew that God was with me. And of course it wasn't easy to do this. Throughout these past eight months, I've had good and bad days, and I've had days where I didn't feel lonely. But of course, there were also many days where I questioned God. It wasn't easy, but I knew deep down that there was a reason for it.
Now if anyone were to go through anything unwanted for 8 months, (of course it would depend on what it was) it would really shake that person right? At this point, there are days when I feel like it's kind of hopeless. I've thought that God had healed me, but there's a reason for that. I mean, can you imagine going through something and you feel like God hasn't done anything about it yet and you're just waiting day after day for it to be ok again when you get disappointed each day when it doesn't?
Can you imagine how hard it was when I took the PSAT and all of a sudden, I'm on the verge of unconsciousness? Can you imagine how it would be if you were taking your driver's permit and all of a sudden, blackness starts to encompass you? Can you think of how it'd be like to go to chapel knowing that you're going to be dizzy, and you don't want to tell the teacher because they won't understand? Can you understand how difficult it is day after day of feeling dizzy for 45 minutes plus in a classroom, and the only thing you can do is try find anything to distract you so that you won't pass out? Of course my teachers are nice and say that I can step outside for a moment, but then I would be stepping outside the whole class period. Can you imagine how difficult it was to go to school for two weeks and tell the teacher each day to go down to the office so that you can call your Grandma to pick you up once again? Can you think of how hard it is to be in church and all of a sudden, you feel unbalanced and you stand there for fifteen minutes thinking of how often it's publicly appropriate to squat so that you can "drink water" or "tie your shoes?" And then after that, go into a classroom for an hour and try to focus? And all this for 8 months? And no one fully understands your situation anyway?
Of course, I'm really tired of it. Of course I want to stop keeping "dizzy logs" and just be normal again. I want to actually enjoy school without keeping my "only two trips to the bathroom over the course of 5 periods" rule? I want to not feel terrified each time I think of ambulances coming to get me from school if I pass out.
So, all of this is to say that whatever you're going through, think of it as part of the bigger picture. I don't know what God's doing, but if it's to help someone out there, I think that He's telling me to persevere. So persevere. There's always a reason and He won't leave you. He won't.
Much love and keep dreaming, Momo